It’s so fucking insane isn’t it? Sometimes I wish I was dumb and ignorant so I don’t think about things the way that I do and I could just carry on in my dumb ignorant bliss, happy and oblivious to my problems, just living life like everyone else seems to do without a constant feeling of anxiety murmuring below. I wish I could just wave these things off and get on with life properly. I’m finding this hard to explain. You know sometimes if you’ve had a rough day, or something is weighing on your mind at night, but when you wake up in the morning you’re like ‘What the fuck was I worrying about, everything is fine, life is great blah blah’. Well imagine waking up in the morning and everything was still the same, and nothing had changed, all your problems were still there and there is nothing you can do about them. I’m sure some of you have felt that way, and I don’t mean to undermine you, I’m just trying to explain myself. That’s what I wish I could have though. The relief of realising that actually everything is ok. I honestly don’t think I will ever truly have that feeling again, of being completely at ease. I am always on edge, thats just the kind of person I am now I guess. Thats the other weird thing though. How much something like this can change a person. I used to be the kind of person who didn’t let other peoples problems affect them. The type of person when if they heard someone else’s bad news, they might feel bad for them for a moment but then completely forget about it/get on with whatever I was doing. That sort of stuff just didn’t affect me. And I used to feel horrible sometimes that I didn’t feel worse for other people when they went through stuff. But I just didn’t feel anything like that. A lot of the time I was happy that I had this weird internal barrier to letting things like that affect me. Even when my Nan got sick, I was absolutely fine with it because it wasn’t my immediate family. But as soon as it is, everything changes. Including me. Now I’m the type of person who at the end of the last Pirates of the carribbean, when will and elizabeth get to spend 1 day together after 10 years of being apart, can’t stop thinking about the fact that she had to go through that pregnancy and raise that child totally alone, waiting for 10 years just to spend 1 day with will and it hurts me, I feel for them so much. I realise that it sounds completely stupid, but again, just trying to explain myself. So now I am the type of person who completely emphasises with other people, I can’t help but mentally put myself in their shoes and feel pain, or joy or whatever it is they might be going through. I’m a shittier friend too. I know that one for sure, but I’m not sure why I’m a shittier friend, or how I became a shittier friend, I just know that I am. I think this whole thing has just matured me by like 10 years and I find it hard to relate to other people my age now. As well as the fact that its just really hard to be funny and cool and sweet and all the things that make you a good friend when you have crazy anxiety and just aren’t happy in general. Which is the other thing. I do wonder when I’ll feel true, untainted happiness again. Not that I’m depressed in any way. And I hate when people say how depressed they are when they’re not. I know the difference between being depressed and being unhappy because I’ve been both and I am thankful that I’m not depressed. But true happiness, I don’t think I’ve felt for 3 years now. Of course I have my ignorantly happy moments, my in the moment happy moments. But my problems never go away, and therefore I don’t think it’s really possible for me to feel true blissful happiness where nothing else matters and nothing is wrong. Again, just to be clear, I feel joy on pretty much a daily basis, but feeling joyful about something and being happy with your life are different things. I think I’ve run dry now but I just want to say to anyone who has actually managed to get through this entire jumble of shitty musings, please just cherish every little good thing you can, because you really don’t know what might be coming, and I want people to realise everything that they have before something taints it and they can’t remember what it felt like to have everything. Which I am also thankful to say that I did, and I do remember and it helps.

Wow I wrote a lot more than I expected. If you managed to read this please take it with a pinch of salt. Whilst I do feel this way about things, when you write it all down like this it makes you look like a crazy person (Ha, maybe I am, but I don’t think so).